Page 103 - English for Writing Research Papers

85

original version (ov) revised version (rv)
Our data highlighted a signifi cant toxic Our data highlighted a signifi cant
effect. (1) In fact , cell survival in cultures toxic effect. (1) In fact , cell survival
inoculated with elutriates was about 75% in cultures inoculated with elutriates was
of the control, respectively. (2) about 75% of the control, respectively. (2)
Considering that several heavy metals Several heavy metals (HMs) are known to
(HMs) are known to be carcinogenic be carcinogenic compounds, thus the metal
compounds, the metal contamination may contamination may explain some of the
explain some of the toxicity. (3) Moreover , toxic results. (3) In complex mixtures,
in complex mixtures, HMs may also act as HMs may also act as co-mutagens, (4) thus
co-mutagens, (4) increasing the toxic increasing the toxic activity of other
activity of other compounds (Brogdon, compounds (Brogdon, 2011). (5) Cadmium
2011). (5) In particular , cadmium could be could be responsible for the mutagenic
responsible for the mutagenic effects. (6) In effects. (6) In addition , the high
addition , the high concentrations of chromium concentrations of chromium may be
may be responsible for the toxic effects, (7) responsible for the toxic effects. (7)
given that chromium is a potent mutagenic Chromium is in fact a potent mutagenic
compound (Ray, 1990) and it is also … compound (Ray, 1990) and it is also …

Below is an analysis of the seven points indicated in the OV.

1. In fact is needed because it gives evidence of what was said in the previous sentence.
2. considering that forces the reader to wait until the second half of the sentence
before understanding the meaning of the phrase. In the RV considering that has
been replaced, later in the sentence, by thus . The resulting structure is: tell read-
ers something then tell them the consequence.
3. Moreover is unnecessary as the sentence also contains the word also which has
the same function as moreover .
4. In the RV thus has been added before increasing . This is necessary as the reader
could interpret the sentence in a completely different way, i.e. that the way heavy
metals act as co-mutagens is by increasing the toxic activity. For more on the
difference between thus and by before an - ing form see Sect. 6.10 .
5. In the OV, this is the fourth consecutive sentence that begins with a link word. Such

a style of writing soon becomes repetitive and also delays the subject of the sen-
tence. The expression in particular is rarely useful. In the RV it has been removed.
6. In addition is useful here as it alerts the reader that more is going to be said about
the fi ndings mentioned in the previous sentence, rather than this sentence mov-
ing on to a new topic.
7. In the RV, the original sentence is terminated after effects and a new sentence is

begun. In order to avoid the tedium of having link words always at the beginning
of the sentence, in fact has been placed after the subject.