Page 50 - FHM - USA (January 2020)

Cover Feature | Aleen Johnson

out of the ‘mandatory’ leadership check ins... is have to ‘prove’ our sanity yet
again. On the 13th of July 2017, I attempted my second suicide. Throughout the
experience I felt numb, comforted by some, abandoned by others, scared and
relieved; all at the same time. I did not plan my suicide attempt and I cringe

when people assume there’s always signs and a ‘perfect plan’ because sometimes
you just snap.
We invest so much time into people that make us feel good in the moment
and then burn a hole into our souls. I was not meaningless but I was filling my
life with meaningless actions and temporary people. I snapped. Physical pain
was more appealing to me than getting help for my mental or emotional pain. I
never wanted to be anyone’s problem so I pleaded and I begged the person who
had pulled me away from the ledge. I begged them to let me jump. I screamed at
the top of my lungs in a burst of tears, “LET ME DIE! I WANT TO F*CKING
DIE, WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME DIE!?”
Within hours, I was driven to the ER asking everyone “why am I being
hospitalized? There’s nothing wrong with me!” I did not think that the situation
at hand was serious, because my life at that point, did not matter to me. I did not
matter to me. Within 24 hours I was checked in to Ft. Belvoir Psychiatric Center
and spent the next few days frustrated and once again isolated physically and
mentally.
Days later I stepped out of those hospital doors and I was embarrassed. I felt
like I had an arrow pointed down at me screaming “FAILURE!” - Failure at life,
failure at making others happy, failure at making myself happy and failure at
killing myself because I had no idea how I would ever recover from this. You go
from caring about too much to driving yourself into a state of mind where
nothing else matters. I cried every day until I built up the strength to say, “If I’m
going to live... it won’t be like this.” It took more than a week and it took more
than a month but I stopped lying to myself. I stopped allowing others to claim
my worth. It has not been easy, it is not easy, and I know it won’t get easier as the

years go by, but I don’t want it to be. I will say that being a high-functioning
individual with mental illnesses can be a blessing and a curse. We are expected
to ‘have it all together’ therefore we tell ourselves that not feeling anything at all;
pain or happiness is better than reliving our traumas, but I don’t believe that to
be true. You spend your whole life trying to build indestructible walls for your
‘house’ (life) so that no one can see your pain but you forget to build an
indestructible foundation and a reliable roof.
January of 2018 I began to use fitness as my outlet. I had never worked out
with a barbell in my life but I knew that I needed a change, I knew I needed to
make a change, and I was willing to take risks. During this time I was growing
my brand on Instagram and gained 60k followers in 6 months. I was not only
dedicated to my fitness and health but promoting body positivity and self-love
through my various photoshoots. At times I have not always received the
most supportive comments throughout this journey online but it hasn’t
stopped me. I’ve been called multiple names, I’ve been accused of selling porn
by others and I’ve received awful comments about my body, but one thing I
always remind myself is that only the insecure will judge you. They don’t love
themselves, they aren’t happy with themselves and therefore it will always be
easier for them to reflect their own personal judgments on someone else. Life

is not easy by any means, but if we learn, grow and accept the pain, the
wounds, and ourselves... we will begin to appreciate the beauty that is.

JANUARY 2020