Page 66 - Parents Magazine (December 2019)
P. 66
KIDSÑAdvice
him—that he might begin to “Families talk about these
believe hateful things too. issues all the time without
But the hopeful news—and realizing it,” says Allison
we could all use some—is that Briscoe-Smith, Ph.D., a clinical
you can counter hate’s insidious psychologist in Berkeley,
reach. We asked experts in child California, who specializes in
psychology and the fight against addressing trauma in children
bigotry for guidance about and the study of how children
putting malevolent events and understand race. “Little kids
beliefs into context, dispelling are very attuned to what’s fair
little ones’ misapprehensions, and not fair. That’s a strong
and empowering your kids to be basis for discussing injustice.”
forces for good. Let your child be your guide.
Kids this age can articulate
AGES 0 TO 6 their feelings, so the onus to
In these early years, your task direct the conversation
is to lay positive groundwork, needn’t—and shouldn’t—be
addressing hate by cultivating entirely on you. “Ask her how
its opposite—compassion and she understands what she’s
tolerance. Luckily, your child hearing,” says Dr. Briscoe-
has a head start: an innocent Smith. What are people saying
indifference to what sets people on the playground? What has
apart. “Kids are very aware she seen on TV? You’ll be able
of ways we differ, but they to keep the conversation at the
aren’t born identifying people right level—of reassurance,
with a particular race, gender, honesty, and detail.
or ethnicity,” says David Schonfeld, Also key: Don’t overdo it. “Be simple,
M.D., professor of pediatrics at the 3-year-old and say, ‘Let’s talk about brief, and as honest as you can be,” says
University of Southern California and racism,’ ” says Dr. Schonfeld.) But if the Spiegler. If you feel a reflexive urge to
Children’s Hospital Los Angeles need for a conversation arises, have it. downplay—“What happened at the garlic
and director of the National Center “In 2017 we were seeing a wave of bomb festival could never happen here”—avoid
for School Crisis and Bereavement. threats at Jewish community centers,” it. An empty promise sounds a lot like
“They don’t naturally discriminate.” says Jinnie Spiegler, director of dismissiveness, and if she has fears about
The hope is that kids who grow up in curriculum and training at the Anti- these events, she’ll feel you’re not taking
communities that are ethnically, Defamation League. “On the news you’d them seriously. Instead, says Dr. Briscoe-
socioeconomically, or otherwise diverse see very small kids evacuating from these Smith, “tell her what you do know for
will have acceptance baked into their facilities. Surely, they knew something sure: that you love her, and that there are
worldview. That’s not guaranteed, but was wrong and were afraid. So of course adults working to keep her safe.”
studies show it does help. If your child you’d want to talk about it with them.” Kids can have a quirky, literal view
has little exposure to people who don’t This may seem impossible—exploring of the world, and they may ask something
look or live like her, though, experts violent anti-Semitism with a toddler?—but seemingly bizarre but crucial to their
advise bringing the world home: Study the key is to keep the scope and language understanding. “When I told my then
other cultures together by eating their manageable. “You’d say something like, 8-year-old daughter that Osama bin
foods and watching their films. Urge your ‘The person doing this must be very Laden had been killed, she asked me,
child’s teacher to build multiculturalism angry,’ ” Dr. Schonfeld says. “ ‘But we use ‘Where’s his body?’ ” says Spiegler. “It was
into her curriculum. Speak your mother our words to solve problems.’ ” However an odd question, but you can’t trivialize
tongue if you are bilingual, or encourage odd the conversation feels, silence is worse. what they genuinely want to know.”
your child to study another language. “Imagine you’re a 4-year-old and you You may also learn that your child has
A 2014 University of Chicago study notice Dad is looking at his phone, that misunderstood part of what’s occurred,
revealed that children who hear multiple he’s upset and people seem worried, and
languages in daily life are more accepting no one is telling you why,” says Spiegler.
of people whose language differs from “Think how scary that would be.” TOUGH TALK
their own—which is a stepping-stone Scan this code with
your phone’s camera
toward a broader spirit of acceptance. AGES 6 TO 8 to read an essay
about how one parent
You don’t need to preemptively lecture Discussing hate explicitly becomes
explained racism to
a kid this age on the evils of bigotry. easier at this age, but don’t think it has to her young son
(no app needed).
(“I don’t know that I’d sit down with a be a hyperformal Very Important Talk.
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