Page 37 - LUDLOW TOWER JAN 22 (WEBSITE)
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ON PARISH ACCOUNTS, TEAPOTS AND
YELLOW LABRADORS
The elderly Anglo-Catholic vicar, Eustace, seems to be an
continues his correspondence to Darren, his unalterable tradition
nephew, a low-church curate recently that they never
ordained… by the Revd Dr Gary Bowness, balance, until we
learn the following
The Rectory year that the missing
St James the Least of All
£20 was found
My dear Nephew Darren months later under
the teapot on the
Your annual accounts – all 146 pages, mantelpiece. One
bound in their plastic covers and laid out footnote to this was the occasion when
in faultless detail – really are most the Colonel suspected an unaccountable
impressive. I was rather envious to note £5 had been eaten by his Labrador. Our
you have a clergy ‘discretionary fund’; if I greatest expenses by far are categorised
were to be given such a thing, my cellar as ‘miscellaneous’, which is a catch-all for
of claret would improve immeasurably, everything for which our treasurer is
although that is perhaps the reason why unable to recall where it really went.
I am not given one.
The thousands paid on church
The size of your office expenses makes maintenance and diocesan fees are
me wonder if you have a staff rivalling nodded through without comment, but if
that of the European Community. I the money spent on Easter lilies or
suppose that at least you are doing your packets of tea for the Summer Fete
bit for job creation. Our dear Miss increases by anything more than 50
Marigold, who spends two hours a week pence, there will be much agonised
randomly filing pieces of paper, mistyping debate and speculation about whether
rotas and failing to re-order stationery, is this is an indication of money laundering.
only rewarded by being the first to find
out who are booking marriages and I see that your accounts were
having their babies baptised – and if they professionally audited. Fortunately, it
do not happen in that order, that will be does not matter too much about the
another piece of information accuracy of our own, as I have an
remembered for future use. All this is arrangement with our auditor who lives
information beyond the price of jewels in the village: if he refuses to sign them
in village communities. off, then I refuse to baptise his
grandchildren.
Our accounts have more by way of
charm than of accuracy, generally Your loving uncle,
consisting of one sheet of handwritten
paper. There are only ever three copies Eustace
for circulation, as that is the limit of
Colonel Denster’s carbon paper. It
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