Page 302 - SHERLOCK transcripts

301

SHERLOCK: Breaks it off, breaks her heart. She swears off relationships, stays at home – he
still has her wage coming in.
(He turns to the man and addresses him sternly.)
SHERLOCK: Mr Windibank, you have been a complete and utter ...

JOHN: ... piss pot.
(He is holding up a small plastic cylinder used for collecting urine samples. He hands it to his
latest patient who is sitting facing him.)
JOHN: It’s nothing to worry about. Just a small infection by the sound of it. Er, Doctor Verner is
your usual GP, yes?
(The man speaks in a rough voice with a thick accent.)
MR SZIKORA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(John looks startled. The man appears to be in his sixties, has long white hair and a white beard
and is wearing very dark glasses and a black knitted hat.)
MR SZIKORA: He looked after me, man and boy.
(He beckons John closer and talks confidentially.)
MR SZIKORA: I run a little shop, just on the corner of Church Street.
JOHN: Oh, right.
MR SZIKORA (picking up a plastic bag from the floor): Er, magazines, DVDs. Brought along a
few little beauties that might interest you.
(Taking a DVD from the bag, he shows it to John.)
MR SZIKORA: “Tree Worshippers.” Oh, that’s a corker. It’s very saucy.
(John nods in a bemused way, looking closely at the man as if he is beginning to suspect
something. The man gets out a magazine and holds it up.)
MR SZIKORA: “British Birds.” Same sort of thing.
(The magazine cover shows two glamorous women in skimpy clothing, and some of the captions
around the photograph read, “We’re a real handful,” “Hot British Birds! XXX” and “Knocker
Glory.”)
JOHN: I’m fine, thanks.
MR SZIKORA (holding up another DVD and translating its foreign title): “The Holy War.” Sounds
a bit dry, I know, but there’s a nun with all these holes in her habit ...
JOHN: Jesus. Sherlock ...
MR SZIKORA: Huh?
JOHN: ... what do you want?
MR SZIKORA: Huh?
JOHN: Have you come to torment me?
MR SZIKORA: What are you talking about?
JOHN (impersonating his accent): “What are you talking ...” (He stands up and walks closer.)
What, d’you think I’m gonna be fooled by this bloody beard?
(He tugs at it while the man flails in panic.)
MR SZIKORA: Are you crazy?!
(John straightens a little and imitates his flaily hands, mockingly saying, “No, no, no, no!” in the
man’s accent, then leans into his face.)
JOHN: It’s not as good as your French. Not as good as your French. It’s not even a good
disguise, Sherlock!
(He rips off the man’s hat and glasses. The man stares up at him with a terrified look on his
face.)
JOHN: Where’d you get it from? A bloody joke ... sh-shop ...?
(Staring at the man with dawning horror, he reaches out and pulls his head forward to confirm
that he genuinely is bald on top.)
JOHN: Oh my God.
(The man whimpers as John gently puts his glasses back onto his face.)
JOHN: I am so sorry. Oh my God.
(Mary comes in, having presumably heard the noise. John puts the man’s hat back onto his
head.)
JOHN: Please for... (He looks across to Mary, speaking a little plaintively.) It’s fine.
(Clearing his throat, he sits down again. Mary goes out and closes the door.)

Greg Lestrade tears down the police tape sealing a door inside a building.
LESTRADE: This one’s got us all baffled.
SHERLOCK: Mmm. I don’t doubt it.

Transcripts by Ariane DeVere (arianedevere@livejournal.com)