Page 442 - SHERLOCK transcripts

441

GHASTLY
MURDER
IN THE WEST END!
DREADFUL END OF PEER.

ALARMING DISCOVERY IN ISLINGTON
BODY OF SEA CAPTIN FOUND IN CHAPEL
[Oh goodie. The production team’s spelling still hasn’t improved. And don’t tell me they did it
deliberately, because I won’t believe you!]

MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL AT EASTHAM
’GHOST’ IDENTIFIED?
Statement from cab driver claims:
“It was Mrs Ricoletti”.

WHO WILL BE NEXT?
In the notorious ‘Bride’
Murders.

SCOTLAND YARD BAFFLED
MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF VISCOUNT HUMMERSKNOT
The mysterious death of Viscount Hummersknot on Wednesday last
has led to questions in the House. Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard
refused to say whether the peer’s death was anything to do with the
(The rest of the text disappears offscreen.)

WATSON (voiceover): It was not for several months that we were to pick up the threads of this
strange case again; and then under very unexpected circumstances.
(In 221B, Holmes – wearing a dark blue dressing gown over his clothes – is pacing back and
forth beside the table of the room behind the sitting room, reading a book. Lestrade is sitting on
a chair at the other side of the table.)
LESTRADE: Five of them now, all the same, every one of ’em.
HOLMES (not looking up from his book): Hush, please. This is a matter of supreme importance.
LESTRADE: What is?
HOLMES: The obliquity of the ecliptic. I have to understand it.
LESTRADE: What is it?
HOLMES: I don’t know. I’m still trying to understand it.
LESTRADE: I thought you understood everything.
HOLMES: Of course not. That would be an appalling waste of brain space. I specialise.
LESTRADE: Then what’s so important about this?
HOLMES (loudly, looking angrily at Lestrade): What’s so important about five boring murders?
LESTRADE: They’re not boring! Five men dead! Murdered in their own homes; rice on the floor,
like at a wedding; and the word “YOU” written in blood on the wall!
(He points angrily towards the opposite wall. Holmes continues to pace and read his book.)
LESTRADE: Uh, it’s-it’s her! It’s-it’s the Bride. Somehow she’s risen again!
HOLMES (nonchalantly): Solved it.
LESTRADE (angrily): You can’t have solved it!
HOLMES (stopping and turning to look at him): Of course I’ve solved it. It’s perfectly simple.
The Incident of the Mysterious Mrs Ricoletti, the Killer from Beyond the Grave, has been widely
reported in the popular press. Now people are disguising their own dull little murders as the
work of a ghost to confuse the impossibly imbecilic Scotland Yard. There you are: solved.
(He closes his book and puts it on the table.)
HOLMES: Pay Mrs Hudson a visit on your way out. She likes to feel involved.
LESTRADE: You sure?
HOLMES: Certainly. Go away. (He turns and calls into the sitting room.) Watson! I’m ready. Get
your hat and boots. We have an important appointment.
(Lestrade stands and picks up his hat, then looks into the sitting room.)
LESTRADE: Didn’t Doctor Watson move out a few months ago?
HOLMES: He did, didn’t he? (He looks thoughtful.) Who have I been talking to all this time?

Transcripts by Ariane DeVere (arianedevere@livejournal.com)