Page 117 - Motorcycle Trader (February 2020)
P. 117
disapproving of everything. Other members that I realise I haven’t washed my hands.
of the family were there including her loser Everyone’s in the kitchen watching the
brother and her not-unattractive sister who Australian cricket team lose again so I
obviously recognised my social (rather than avail myself of the large fingerbowl in the
physical) discomfort and kept filling my middle of the table which turns out not, in
glass with whatever was closest to hand. fact, to be a fingerbowl but a component of
I was late, of course, so we ate almost the exotic deep-fried ice cream dessert Mrs
immediately, meaning I couldn’t excuse Christine has prepared. The ice-blocks in
myself to visit the bathroom until after the the water should have been a sign. I decline
‘lamb surprise’. I bumped into Christine’s a serving when they all return and watch
mother in the hallway and it was clear she nervously as they all eat and swallow.
wanted to use the toilet as well. My intention was to go back to the
“Guests first!” she said. bathroom later but I got to drinking with
It was a smallish room and I was conscious the sister and forgot. You know how it
of how much I had to dump and how she is. Christine seemed strangely subdued
was waiting outside. I tore off some toilet and retired early. So much for the hotel
paper to put on the top of tryst. I decide afterwards,
the water to minimise the I was though, that it’s unlikely
noise and settled down to I’ll hear about the little
business. considerably package in the bathroom
Nothing. more full of shit cupboard again as it would
It wasn’t nerves – it be a particularly indelicate
was compaction. The than usual when person who’d enquire if I’d
CBR1000RR had created a I finally pulled wrapped a giant turd in
seemingly immovable plug. toilet paper and hidden it.
Settle, Groffster. Think of up outside I ring Christine a few days
rustic scenes, waterfalls, the house later to see if I’d made the
volcanoes. Still nothing. I grade with her parents.
could hear her walking up “Did you wrap a turd
and down in the corridor. in toilet paper and hide it in my parents’
Finally, it all came out in one piece and bathroom cupboard?”
it sounded like a depth charge. I’d already “How typical – something slightly unusual
been in there about 10 minutes and I was happens and everyone blames the biker.
anxious to finish. Flush. Jesus, it’s still Ride a bike – go to hell. Is that what they
there. think?”
Wait what seems like an hour for the “What were you doing in the bathroom?
cistern to fill and try again. Cripes, I’ve got My mother said you were in there for hours.”
a floater. I can’t stay here forever – the only I start explaining my theory of
people who spend this long in toilets are compaction which may be technically
heroin addicts. interesting but, I admit, isn’t very
Someone’s banging on the door. Think romantic. As I’m doing it I can feel the
Groffster – think! It’s actually getting bigger relationship slipping away. It’s the damn
as I stare at it, absorbing water, growing. I parent thing – it’s never going to work.
can’t wait for the cistern to fill again and I I’m not giving up, though. Next time you
can’t leave it there for viewing by my future see a post on Tinder which says, “Slim,
mother-in-law so I scoop it out, wrap it in attractive, male motorcyclist seeks long-
about 20 layers of toilet paper and hide it up term relationship with female. Orphan
the back of the bathroom cupboard. preferred,” the contact details are likely to
It’s not until I get back to the dining room be mine…
MOTORCYCLE TRADER 15
