Page 99 - FHM - USA (January 2020)

There are three things that I truly believe we should get taught in school:

how to do our own taxes, what really happens during sex, and how to

effectively and constructively communicate. This last skill would be

incredibly useful in not only romantic relationships but in work and family

relationships and friendships as well. Unfortunately, we don’t leave high
school and enter our adulthood with effective techniques and skills that

assist us in knowing how to have constructive conversations, and I spend

much of my time working with couples and helping them to learn these

skills and techniques. Let’s break down the basics of good communication,

as well as looking at some specific techniques you can use.

1.Ensureyou’realwaysengagingin Always use ‘I’ language
activelistening One of the most important communication skills is
Activelisteningisprettyeasytodo.Itmeanstolistentoour to learn the use of ‘I’ messages. This is because when
partnerwithoutthinkingaboutanythingelsebutwhattheyare you start a sentence with ‘you’, your partner might feel
sayingatthatmomentbybeingpresentandfullyengaged. attacked, blamed or criticized and thus they’ll feel the
• Maintaineyecontact(well,asmuchaspossible),asthishelps need to defend themselves. Begin to use the words “I
yourpartnertoreallyfeelthatyou’relisteningandyou’represent. feel…” when talking to your partner. For example, “I feel
Whenyou’restaringoffintotheTVoryourphone,orperhaps unimportant when you’re late for dinner and don’t call” is
evengazingatthefloor,yourpartnerwillfeellessimportantand much more effective than, “you don’t care about anyone
mayevenperhapsfeelthatyoudon’tcare. but yourself, or you wouldn’t keep me waiting.” The ‘you’
• Weactlikewearelistening,butwearedoing“whatever statement is a blaming statement, and will often start or
listening”–whenwearedistractedinsteadofpayingattention escalate an argument. An ‘I’ statement reports feelings
towhatourpartnerissayingit’sasifwedon’tcare;“I’mright…” and it’s easier for your partner to respond in a positive
listening–whenwealreadyknowwe’rerightandhavetheanswer, way as they don’t feel like they are being blamed. Feeling
andsowestoplisteningbeforeapersonhasfinishedspeaking; words are emotions, and include words such as: hurt,
or“whatnext…”listening–wherewearethinkingahead,orof angry, frustrated, lonely, inadequate, upset, disappointed,
something completely different while a person is talking to us. forgotten, appreciated, happy, loved, etc.

“when we are distracted instead of

paying attention to what our partner

is saying it’s as if we don’t care”

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