Page 43 - Women’s Health - Australia (February 2020)

sexuality
G o w i t h
t h e f l o w
Journal of Sex Research, with
changes in how they identify
and in sexual partners
occurring well into their late
20s. “The idea that your
orientation can change or be
in transit, makes space for the
fact that your sexual identity
is not fixed, and that your
sex life or relationships don’t
have to meet someone else’s
expectations,” says Andrea
Barrica, CEO of O.school,
an online sex-ed resource.
Research from the
journal Sexualities confirms
this: some people who
self-identify as straight
also say they’ve been
intimate with the same sex,
which could be because
proper labels often aren’t
available (slang terms are
heteroflexible, straight-
curious or mostly straight).
“We’re not static – desires
can change over time,”
explains Barrica.
Culturally, it makes
sense that more women are
choosing to explore that
now. Acceptance of same-
sex relationships is climbing,
research in the Archives of
Sexual Behavior reveals,
and dating apps make it
easy to find others who are
experimenting. “In the last
few years there’s been this
societal OK and validation
for women to explore
beyond gender roles and
conformity,” says Renee
Divine, a relationships
and sex therapist.
Still, like me, a lot of
women wrestle with what
to call themselves, since
nothing feels quite right.
(Good news: both the straight
and LGBTQ communities
have become more open
to a label-less identity, and
queer seems to satisfy
most.) And many women still
struggle with dating outside
their usual pool, not knowing
what to expect. That’s
why I asked our experts
to help pave the way.
Now, as for my own first
lady-date worries? Turns out,
she was in the same boat as
me – new to dating women
and just as scared I’d be
turned off by it. And luckily,
we were both wrong.
Check Privilege
If you’ve identified as straight
in the past, you likely haven’t
experienced frustrations that
LGBTQ-identifying people
have, so it’s important to
acknowledge that. Before
you start chatting or dating
anyone, “you need to
educate yourself on their
terminology, culture and
history,” says Barrica. “You
don’t have to be an expert,
but you should know how
not to be offensive.” Ask for
and use people’s personal
pronouns, read relevant
articles and books, follow
a lesbian culture account
(such as @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y
on Instagram), talk to
friends in the community
and start hanging out in
queer spaces (such as an
LGBTQ-friendly yoga class).
“When you are new to the
FEBRUARY 2020 womenshealth.com.au 43
culture, educating yourself
on issues can ease some
anxiety,” asserts Barrica.
Be Upfront
You don’t have to disclose
on your Bumble profile that
you’re new to dating women,
but you should bring it up
during your first convo, says
Barrica. Say, “Hey, I want to
be honest and let you know
I’m exploring my sexuality
right now, so I’m new to this.
If you’re open to that, I’d
love to see where this goes.”
Be gentle with yourself if
they’re not comfortable
with the idea. If that’s the
case, respect their decision
and keep searching. Some
women won’t be bothered.
Slay Shyness
If you’ve always dated
men, you might be used to
being pursued – and those
dynamics won’t always fly
here. I’ve had to be a lot more
aggressive in making the first
move with women. But it
can be fun and empowering
to explore a different side
of yourself through a new
relationship role. If you’re
not into taking the lead,
though, Barrica notes that
women tend to be cooler
with taking things slow, so
don’t be afraid to wait to be
physical. When you’re ready,
“ask specifically what you
want to try,” Barrica says –
which can be surprisingly hot.
“Say, ‘I’ve never touched a
woman, and I’d love to know
how it feels. Can I give you a
massage?’” Or if the thought
of your first public kiss is
giving you anxiety, ask to
hold hands for a few minutes
instead. Baby steps are just
as good as any steps in the
name of exploration. wh