Page 48 - You - South Africa (February 2020)
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YOU LIFESTYLE
ASK DR HE WON’T LET ME RIGHT MY WRONGS
MyhusbandandIhavease-
How we handle problems and
LOUISE riouscommunicationprob- conflict is something we learn
lem. He doesn’t talk about
as we grow up. Unfortunately
the things that bother him but many people learn during childhood to
rather bottles everything up then keep negative thoughts and emotions,
suddenly one day he explodes and particularly anger, to themselves rath-
Write to Dr Louise, PO Box 39410, Moreletapark 0044, all the problems he’s had with me er than to express them in a healthy
or email info@drlouise.co.za.
forthepastyearortwocometum- way. The result is that emotions sim-
bling out. mer then bubble up at times that may
I FEEL LIKE LESS lems and any negative feelings not be appropriate.
I’ve asked him to address prob-
Tell your husband you’re unhappy
OF A PERSON about things when they happen, about how the two of you communi-
and not months or even years af- cate and want to learn to do it in a
Irecently,attheageof35,madeaterrible terwards when I can’t do anything more constructive way. Ask him to see
discovery. I found out that my aunt is about them. a psychologist with you so you can
actually my mother and the woman I I’m not trying to say that I’m both learn to handle conflict without
thought of as my mother is actually my grand- always right. I know I’m wrong seriously damaging your relationship.
mother. I’m finding this difficult to deal with as sometimes but he doesn’t give me It’s possible that your husband is
I’ve always seen my aunt, who’s addicted to the opportunity to set things right worried he might cause a problem in
drugs,asaflightypersonwithoutanysubstance. atthetime.Whenhebringsthings your marriage if he speaks his mind
I viewed my mother (now my grandmother) up long after the fact it’s often im- immediately every time he has an is-
as an upstanding person, a pillar of strength possible to right those wrongs. sue. He needs to understand that his
with fine morals. I was always proud to intro- What should I do? current behaviour is in fact causing a
ducehertomyfriends.ButnowI’llfeelashamed Amalda, email bigger, more serious problem.
to introduce my real mother to my friends. In
fact, some of them have already commented
thatmyauntseemsabitflightyandmessedup. ‘Life is not a matter of holding
How do I deal with this and come to terms
withwhoIam?Iusedtofeelproudofmylineage good cards but of playing a poor
but now I feel ashamed.
Freddy, email hand well’ – SCOTTISH AUTHOR ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
The woman you knew as your mother,
who’s in fact your grandmother, will always MY HOLIDAY ROMANCE STOLE MY HEART
be your mom because she’s the one who
nurtured you for years. She’s the one who set a good I went on holiday with my cause things may be different when
example and instilled the values in you that guide parents in December and life returns to normal. A new romantic
your life. Your aunt may be your biological parent, met the most wonderful interest may not be the same person
but there is much more to a person than their DNA. girl. She’s from a neighbouring at home as on holiday – and you may
Luckily you’re an adult now so you can choose how townanditwouldn’tbeaproblem not be, either.
to define your relationships with both of them. The for us to continue our holiday But if you’re feeling so strongly
bond of love can be much more lasting and meaning- romance. about this new girl you’ll have to end
ful than a blood bond. While a biological bond is a TheproblemisIhaveagirlfriend your relationship with your girlfriend.
fact that can’t be changed, the quality of your rela- and she doesn’t know about it and Be cautious about telling her it’s be-
tionship with that person is far more important. obviouslyexpectsourrelationship cause you’ve fallen head over heels in
I suggest telling both your mother (grandmother) to carry on as before. But I no love with someone else.
and your aunt (mother) that you consider your grand- longer feel towards my girlfriend You should be honest about the fact
mother as the one who deserves the title of mother, the way I feel about my new love. you’ve met someone else, but until
so you’re not willing to change that. I’m totally in love with the girl I you’re sure this holiday romance is
Tell your aunt (biological mother) that she has for- met. What do I do? something solid, it may be best to be
feited the privilege of being called your mother and Karel, email careful with the words you use.
that you’ll continue to call her your aunt and treat You could say that meeting this per-
her as such. Holiday romances are wonder- son made you think about your rela-
Tell your grandmother you’ll always honour her as ful – you meet someone in a tionship and you’ve decided you need
your mother. “perfect” setting, you’re both time out to be sure about your feel-
Then relax – nothing has really changed and you relaxed and having a good time, away ings. Then you can explore the new re-
don’t need to feel under pressure to make a dramatic from your regular routine. It’s thrilling. lationship in more realistic surround-
paradigm shift. Falling in love can be problematic be- ings to see if it’s really what you want.
46 | 6 FEBRUARY 2020 you.co.za
