Page 86 - Parents Magazine (December 2019)

YOUÑRea l Ta l k
leaning on family, so when I was without
them because I was on the road,
everything fell apart. The depression
was debilitating. Then our marriage fell
apart, and we separated.
LIZ: You separated after the twins
were born, right?
AJA: I released a solo record before Gia
and Coco were born, then I was home
with all three girls. Meanwhile, Dan was
struggling and I wanted to fix him. But
we didn’t know what to fix.
DAN: I felt like I was floating, with no
foundation.
AJA: He was questioning everything
and back to feeling that if one thing is
not true, then nothing is true.
DAN: It was all crumbling in on me. I
didn’t know about this marriage. I didn’t
know about this band. I didn’t know
about Mormonism. I didn’t know about
anything. I just had to destroy it all.
LIZ: Dan, you were also in severe
physical pain all that time.
AJA: We always underplay that, but it
was one of the hardest parts.
DAN: In all the craziness, I was diagnosed
with AS [ankylosing spondylitis, a
chronic inflammatory disease that
causes severe lower-back pain].
AJA: It was so scary. Do you remember
when I bought you a cane? We were
going to go to the movies, and it took us
45 minutes to get from the car to the
door. Then we turned around because
he wasn’t able to sit in a theater chair.
DAN: I went to doctor after doctor.
Misdiagnosis is typical with AS. And
at that time we didn’t have health
insurance; we were broke musicians.
I finally found a rheumatologist who
zeroed in just by asking questions, like
“Does the pain get worse at night? Do
regular painkillers help?” Now I partner
with the Monster Pain in the AS
campaign, which has a three-minute
quiz [at monsterpainintheas.tumblr.com]
to help identify symptoms. Hopefully,
others can skip what I went through.
LIZ: Meanwhile, the world was
rooting for you guys.
AJA: From the minute he was gone, my
soul had a hole in it. People said, “You’re
going to remember this as one of the
P A R E N T S 84 D E C E M B E R 2 0 1 9
best things that ever happened to you.”
And I’d say, “You’re insane, this is way
too hard.” It was my apocalypse. But
sure enough, I have so much gratitude
now because I learned to be fearless and
to not compromise. Also, the one thing
that never faltered is how much we love
our children. We didn’t speak much
to each other for seven months. Then we
started dating again. We got a second
chance at our marriage.
DAN: Now we have a fourth kid. To me,
that’s plenty good. I don’t need nine
kids. I remember our first week with our
first baby, Arrow, just crying together.
AJA: Any parent I see, I immediately
respect on a deep level for being in the
trenches. Parenting has been the most
thrilling, fulfilling part of our relationship
and our life. Marriage is work. Keeping
a family together is a lot of work.
LIZ: Yet, through all of this, you’ve
been doing so many other things.
DAN: When the band began, we had
a young fan going through chemo, and
LIZ:
Dan, you’ve said
that if Mormon leaders
won’t change the
doctrine, you’ll fight to
change the culture.
DAN:
When there’s a point of critical
mass with millions agreeing
that something needs to change
but a few powerful figures
aren’t making that change,
what do you do?
AJA:
You educate people and
get them involved. There are
other issues we’re ready
to jump on right now, such as
gun violence.
MEET
VALENTINE!
The couple’s first
son was born on
October 1. (He was in
Aja’s belly at our
photo shoot!) “My
heart just exploded
for the fourth time,”
Aja wrote on
Instagram that day.
our song “It’s Time” was his cancer song.
We became close, and when he passed,
the band started the Tyler Robinson
Foundation in his name.
AJA: It helps families with unforeseen
costs that surround cancer.
DAN: Our road has led us to things that
we’re passionate about. LoveLoud has
raised millions of dollars for LGBTQ
charities, such as The Trevor Project
crisis hotline [866-488-7386] for young
people to call when they feel like they
don’t have support at home, and the
Tegan and Sara Foundation, which
raises awareness and funds for LGBTQ
issues and sends kids to camps where
they can find refuge while they’re
figuring out their sexual identity.
LIZ: You’ve engaged your audience
in such a bipartisan way.
AJA: We find that middle line where
things don’t have to be polarizing. We’re
talking about love, not about what you
think is right. Love is universal.
DAN: You’ll never change someone’s
mind by screaming at them, and you’ll
never make change if it’s only about you.
LIZ: And now here’s Arrow, home
from school.
AJA: Why do you have a blue mouth?
ARROW: I got a Slurpee because I got
caught being kind at school.
DAN: Well, that’s fitting.
LIZ: I’m interviewing your parents
about kindness!
ARROW: There was a little kid who
grabbed my hand. He wanted to play tag
with only me chasing him. So I played LOVELOUD: JEROD HARRIS/GETTY. VALENTINE: COURTESY OF THE FAMILY.
it his way, and I didn’t know there was
a teacher watching, and she told the
principal, and the principal announced it.
AJA: Good job!
ARROW: And then I got my Caught
Being Kind Bracelet from my teacher.
DAN: That’s cool.