Page 74 - Cosmopolitan - USA (February 2020)

l u s t

Cow = mama’s
boy.

C H I N C H I L L A
full of alllll
R A C C O O N the BDE (marry
crass him now)
What

S N A K E P R AY I N G
an actual snake M A N T I S
his packing a

pencil dick

H O R S E
weird pet H E D G E H O G
rich AF
testy

F E R R E T says
an incel E E L

stalkerish

about him
B I R D
DTF 24/7/365
C H I C K E N
afraid of
*signs up for FarmersOnly.com commitment
to find a dude with a horse*
T A R A N T U L A
A dmit it: You’ve aggressively swiped right on an otherwise a two-pump
a masochist B y T A Y L O R A N D R E W S R A B B I T

chump

I G U A N A kinda whatever dude just because the goldendoodle chillin’
apathetic in his pics looked like a Very Good Boy—and later been
enraged to find out it’s actually his cousin’s roommate’s dog.
“Hi, 911? I’d like to report a CRIME.” Guys are constantly posing with pups to G O L D F I S H
flex their responsible, fun-loving vibes because it works: 70 percent of singles a control freak
H E R M I T say a floof-filled profile is a turn-on, a recent survey confirms. But enough with
C R A B the charades! You wanna know about that critter he’s not bringing to the brewery
always leaving on Saturdays—the one you find out about on date four when you’re at his place
H A M S T E R
the toilet seat up and see a couple of frozen mice thawing in the sink and he’s like, “Oh, yeah,
unemployed
those are for Rumpelsnakeskin. He’s over there.” That downplayed animal friend FROM TOP: BAUER GRIFFIN; GET T Y IM AGES.
will tell you all you need to know about this guy’s dateability. Sorry, grown-ass-
man-with-a-hermit-crab (really?!), we’re blowing up your spot.
S N A I L M O U S E
a sex addict prepubescent

66 Cosmopolitan Februar y 2020