Page 29 - N&V Winter 2019

crashing down around me. I opted to take Mask or not, nobody knows you better planning is important, but no matter how
up my second choice at university, Human than you. hard we try, it remains unpredictable.
Biology. I loved my undergraduate
degree, and resolved to keep the doctor 8. Take a deep breath 10. Gaze at the stars
dream tucked away for later. However, When travelling at 21, a man from When I reflect on my ten years with lupus,
Brussels implored my boyfriend and I to the big successes, the major milestones, are
take a deep breath of Irish air for him obvious. They shine out like the night’s
when we returned home. We did, and it brightest stars, boasting impressive
was somewhat a reality check, of how little victories and resounding accomplishments.
we appreciate our lovely island. I often When you look at the stars in the night sky,
think about The Other Me; the one who your eyes first see the big shiny stars. But
never received the diagnosis, and I wonder when you relax your focus and adjust your
if she’s happier than me. An impossible eyes, you begin to see smaller stars,
question to answer, for there never has seemingly insignificant, dwarfed by their
been, and glittery neighbours. Look for these stars in
never will be, your life. Maybe they are a meal cooked
another me. at the end of a long day, or maybe they
The person I are a good night’s sleep, or that time you
am now is a buttoned your favourite blouse. Whatever
confusing, these stars may be for you, they have
messy, light; and on the darkest days, the days
beautiful when we feel we are losing the battle,
mosaic of when we think lupus has broken us down
everything in and taken all we have, all we can do is
my past, look back and gaze at the stars.
including my
December 2018: illness. So, on
Celebrating becoming Dr O’Kane
days when I August 2017:
two things would happen at university. am tempted to Me and my dog Bailie in
First, I developed a love for research. linger on the beautiful Donegal, Ireland
Second, I watched my boyfriend. He was what-ifs, maybes, or, heaven forbid, the
studying medicine, and I saw him do five possibility of multiverses, I take a deep
days a week, fill his nights and weekends breath of my lovely life, for The Other Me.
with studying, and take up residence in
distant hospitals for weeks on end. It 9. Put away the crystal ball
became clear that the reality of this life Lupus is unpredictable. Unpredictable,
did not match the reality of mine, but I still adjective, meaning ‘not able to be
didn’t want to disappoint 18-year-old me. predicted’. Anxiety, therefore, seemed an February 2019:
I applied for both medicine and a PhD inevitable foe, a natural consequence of a Gazing at the stars in Reykjavík, Iceland
and received unconditional offers for both. future altered. Anxiety would prove a
The dilemma I faced was unbearably formidable adversary, one who reared its
difficult; do I fight the odds and pursue the head at the most crucial and important International
dream of days past, or allow myself to re- moments. Exams, interviews, even social
align my future in light of who I am today? gatherings, would frequently gather an
I chose the PhD, and would go on to audience of shaking, sweating, and Womens Day
become a doctor, albeit a different one. vomiting. At 17, I decided to get help, and

7. Take off the mask began cognitive behavioural therapy The Home Office celebrated International
(CBT). Every second Wednesday, my Ugg Women's Day in March. Deputy Director
Living with lupus is living in a perpetual boots would shuffle across the bouncy People Strategy Lead opened and welcomed
state of reverse Halloween. To onlookers, carpet into the overheated room where I everyone. LUPUS UK were invited to raise
we can be anyone. I could be a healthy would be met with two chairs, a table, a awareness alongside Women's Aid, the
looking 20-something young woman and box of tissues, and some papers. The Gender Equality Network, Menopause
not, in fact, one who feels like she’s been therapist would confirm my anxiety, telling Exchange, Personal Safety Demonstrations,
hit by a truck and stapled back together me I expressed a great deal of “antici- Free Health Check ups, Hindu Connection,
by the truck itself. However, wearing this patory anxiety”. I was convinced The Workplace adjustments and the Home
mask will do me no favours, and so when I Three Ds lurked around every corner; Office's Disability Network ABLE.
started my PhD, and went on to start a disaster, death, and depression. The
post-doctoral job, I was faced with the therapist would ask me how I knew these
daunting task of revealing my weaknesses things were in my future, and I would tell
to relative strangers. I have been lucky to her I Just Knew. CBT taught me to stop
only ever receive kindness and believing in magic; that fears and doubts
understanding as the product of these are not premonitions, but rather a
conversations, but I know others may not perfectly rational reaction to being faced
be as fortunate as myself in who they with a problem bigger than oneself. We
have around them in this world. To those never know what will happen, and a
facing disbelieving friends or callous co- moment spent worrying about tomorrow is
workers, I can only suggest that you do not one we are wasting
268Ctoday. You can never
let these people define you or break you. stop thinking ahead with lupus, and
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luPus uK NEWS & VIEWS SUMMER 2019