Page 87 - Cosmopolitan India (January 2020)

FOR THE DUMPER saw,” says Jane. “I don’t think that’s Look forward to the glow-up.

Say Bye, With Feeling anyone’s job.” And your perspective A 2003 study published in the
Resist the urge to ghost them. is subjective: what you wish were academic journal, Personal
Straight-up disappearing is a different about them might be the Relationships, co-authored by Ty,
cowardly thing to do. It forces your very quality someone else will love. If found something incredible: for
partner to break up with themselves, they press you for feedback, you can every negative outcome people
which is cruel. Plus, “if you ghost offer a few reasons connected to your experienced from a breakup, they
someone, it’s likely that you’ll sit own preferences instead of specific reported, on average, five positive
with guilt or shame,” says Jaime personality pointers. No-one likes a changes, too. These shifts ranged
Gleicher, a US-based social worker preachy defector. from a boost in self-confidence
who focuses on adolescents. Not to learning how to be a better
only can that be psychologically partner. “When you have an event
unhealthy, it can also make moving FOR THE DUMPEE that disrupts your normal way of
on harder, because there’s zero Get Over It Faster thinking, it creates this opportunity
closure (which would have helped Face the cold, hard facts. to re-organise things,” explains Ty.
you both recover). So have a brief Most people want to immediately The most common benefit people
in-person convo, or at the very least, skip the ‘feeling like sh*t’ part, which noticed in the study was that a split
send a text. makes sense, but it’s better to start made them want to choose different
the healing process by embracing kinds of partners in the future—a
Give a legitimate reason for the hurt. Sadness plays a big role in true ‘thank you, next’ bonus. n
why you’re leaving. heartbreak recovery, says Ty Tashiro,
No-one who’s ever delivered a PhD, author of The Science Of
cliché like, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ or Happily Ever After. “It makes you BREAK-UP MUSINGS
‘You deserve someone better’ (gag) contemplative about what you want
has actually meant what they said. to do and skeptical about things that FROM A BACHELOR &
“It’s a cop-out,” explains US-based haven’t been working,” he explains BACHELORETTE
relationship therapist Jane Reardon, (For instance: if your partner Listen: if you can break up on TV,
Co-Creator of Rx Breakup, an app dumped you because you’re focused you can break up anywhere.
that aims to help the broken hearted. on your job, that sucks, but it also
These are phrases you say when tells you something about who you’re T H E D U MP ER
you are either checked out or just better paired with). “Sadness also BEN HIGGINS
“not that deep and can’t come up draws people whose support we need from US TV show The
with anything more original,” Jane closer to us—it’s a beautiful thing,” Bachelor, Season
explains. Instead, be honest and adds Ty. Admit what’s bumming 20, on how to dump
someone:
direct about why you’re peacing out you out about the split, and lean on
of the relationship. Try something friends during rough days. “You’re dealing with a human who
like, ‘The way we feel about each has feelings and emotions. Anytime
somebody is telling you, ‘My life isn’t
other doesn’t match up, and I don’t Set a strict wallowing limit. going in a direction where you should
see that changing anytime soon’ or ‘I This is a firm amount of time be in it’, it’s going to hurt. So be direct,
simply don’t trust you, so continuing you’re allowed to indulge in the but also show respect and care. I think
to be with you is no longer working depths of your sadness—all the ice- there’s a small possibility then for a
for me’. It may feel harsh to say the cream-eating, rom-com-binging decent breakup. Not good, but decent.”
full truth, but most people would stereotypes—before you have to T H E D U MP EE
rather hear it than be kept in the dark get your act together again. Without
with some generic breakup line. deciding on a deadline, you may BECCA KUFRIN
from US TV show
think that feeling like a loser is your The Bachelorette,
Keep all the receipts. new, permanent way of life. (It’s not!) Season 14, on coping
You’ll probably be tempted to coach There’s no rule on how long this with a split:
your new ex on how to be a better period should last, but Ty says two to “Time will heal. You will heal.
partner to the next girl. Hint: don’t four months is typical (and it’s normal You will move on. You’ll hopefully
do that (unless they were being for sadness to pop up again later). learn and grow from that relationship and
manipulative or abusive, in which Try your best to move into your fresh take something with you that can turn
into a positive and a silver lining. In the
case they’ll need more than just your rebirth phase when your time is up. situations where you don’t think time is
help). “You don’t have to bring up It’s a more fun and hopeful time your best friend, it really is.”
every red flag and annoying thing you (with better music!).

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