Page 132 - Healthy (March - April 2020)

BALANCE

WORKSHOP IT: CHANGE CONTEXT
Think of the contexts you have identiied as making sex
great as your ideal sexual context. Life is rarely ideal,
but what if you could change your context, to make
it just a little better? Brainstorm a dozen (or more)
changes you and/or your partner could hypothetically
so you can begin shaping your life to turn on the ons, and make. (Tip: getting rid of things that hit the brakes
(especially) turn of the ofs. can be more important than adding stimulation to the
Some common things that activate the accelerator: accelerator.)
partner characteristics; feeling ‘wanted’ by your partner;
feeling connected to your partner; thinking about sex,
reading erotica or looking at porn or other sexually explicit Generally, couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
media; being touched just the ‘right’ way; being in a setting over the long term prioritize sex. They decide that it matters
you associate with sex (such as on holiday at a place where for their relationship that they set aside the mundane aspects
you previously had a positive sexual experience). of their shared life – jobs, kids, friends, sleep, or even just
Some common things that hit the brake: stress; some television. They close the door on all those things, and
body image; shame; performance anxiety; fear of being they show up. They put their bodies in the bed. They let their
interrupted or caught; relationship characteristics skin touch their partner’s skin, and their body remembers.
(especially trust); a history of sexual trauma; parenting (eg People sometimes ask me, ‘If you have to plan it, doesn’t
constantly being touched by your children, thus associating that mean you don’t want it enough?’ On the contrary. Is
touch with parenting mode rather than sexy mode); worries there anything we do that really matters to us that we don’t
about reputation; and feeling expected or obliged to have sex. plan? Too often, waiting to be in the mood means waiting
for your life to be calm enough for you not to be stressed,
and because many of us sustain a state of stress for years at
WORKSHOP IT: YOUR ACCELERATOR a time, that means waiting indeinitely. And worse, the more
Think of a few sexual experiences you’ve had, whether you wait, the more frustration, isolation, and worry builds
solo or partnered, and write down what aspects of these up. ‘Am I broken? Are they? Is our relationship doomed?’
experiences activated the accelerator, making it easy to The mood comes when there’s enough stimulation on the
get aroused. And think about when you’ve struggled with accelerator and enough turning of of the brakes.
arousal or desire, and write down what aspects of those This is an edited extract from The Come As You Are
experiences hit the brake. Workbook by Emily Nagoski (Scribe, £14.99)

Whether a sensation is perceived as pleasurable or
uncomfortable depends on context. When you’re in a S O W H AT C O U N T S
great, sex-positive context, almost everything can activate A S A S E X- P O S I T I V E
your curious, desirous approach to sex. When you’re in a
not-so-great, stressful context – whether due to external C O N T E X T, AC C O R D I N G
circumstances or internal factors like self-criticism or TO S C I E N C E ?
performance anxiety – almost nothing will activate that
curious, exploring, desirous experience. l Mental and physical wellbeing: Being confident
and healthy, both emotionally and physically.
l Partner characteristics: Having an attractive
WORKSHOP IT: IDENTIFY CONTEXT partner who respects you and accepts you.
Think of three great sexual experiences you’ve had, l Relationship characteristics: Feeling trusting
then three not-so-great ones – not terrible, just sort of and affectionate in your relationship; feeling
OK. Identify which aspects of the context increased or desired by your partner.
diminished pleasure. What do you notice? l Setting: Perhaps on holiday or at home with
the door locked – and being approached in a way
that makes you feel special.
When people struggle with their sexuality, it’s rarely l Other life circumstances: Work, money, the
because there’s something wrong with them. It’s more likely state of the world, and all the other non-sexual Abridged by Laura Potter. Photographs Stocksy
something in their context has changed, whether it’s personal factors that influence the state of our brains.
wellbeing, partner characteristics, relationship factors, or life l Ludic factors: ‘Ludic’ means ‘playful’. Do
circumstances that have nothing to do with sex. That means you feel free to experiment, explore, and play
when you consider creating change, often it’s more efective with your partner?
to focus on changing the context than on changing you.

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