Page 16 - 1995

Funkytown
Dancing fool 1S’ r,
man Bo Hawk ouragd
eryone to chec the gol
Of his Criss Cr » experiea
Hawk i iat

I TS BETTER THAN KEANU REAVES,

“Would you like a cookie? "i highly recommend the animal crackers,” “No, i
didn’t spike the punch,” and “i'm sorry, i don’t have any nachos."
i recited these words more than any human being should at the Criss Cross
Extravaganza. No, i didn't say these phrases to my date—i wasn’t there with one. i
am much too important for that silliness, i presided over the cookies and punch bowl
while all of you wacky kids danced, i must stress the fact that i performed this function
by choice. Being world-renowned for my serving expertise, i bestowed my talents
upon the school...for a small fee. i had to break a previous engagement at the Hilton
in Beverly Hills for one of Snoop Doggy Dogg’s fundraisers to be at Ralston’s dance,
so you see how important i am.
O.K., so no one asked me to go with them—so what.
Rather than take Ellen Grady’s grandmother to Criss Cross for the second year
in a row, i decided to accept the fact that i simply embarrass my dates. Even though
i knew i wasn’t wanted at the shindig, i decided to take on the responsibility of
dutifully watching over the punch bowl and stale cookies.
My first order of business was to hire someone to keep the D.J. away from me.
He had tied aballoon to the back of his jeans and referred to it as his “magic tail.” Later
in the evening, i single-handedly saved a heap of girls’ belongings from being washed
away by the tide. It happened that a water fountain was leaking, and an ominous
stream was flowing towards this mound of purses, shoes, coats, ripped-up panty hose,
and boring male dates. Having been raised by beavers, i constructed a dam out of
Boys II Men albums, thus re-routing the raging river of doom, i’ve never been so
proud of myself. When i tried to receive cheap hugs from the girls whose possessions
i saved, i was laughed at. Oh, well, so goes the life of a fool.
Having observed portions of the festivities, it appeared to me that all had a good
time—especially the D.J....and Tim Streitwieser. Ladies, when Criss Cross rolls
around next
year, don’t allow
kids like me to
sit on the side­
lines, grab a
date and get ev­
erybody out
there having a
good time. Only
one person can
be privileged
enough to run
the punch bowl.
n a rra tive by
S C O T T
VOORHEES

The 1 995 Front row: Juniors Brandon Meisinger, Amanda Fritz, Sara Rosales, Katie Tierney Second
Criss Cross row: Gina Magnuson, King Ryan Bojanski. Barbara Walker, Candi Zych, Thomas Scott,
I Queen Jennifer Riva, Brian Holmes Back row: Jessica Duncan, Michael Lotspeich, Justin
Royalty Rutherford, and Dustin Dubbs. photo by JOHN LINCOLN STUDIOS

Criss Cross...