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COLUMN April 13-18 2022 Weekly Digest 18

Yellow: Let’s just ban this

gross colour altogether!

THIS week, Zimbabweans woke up to Yellow fever
shocking news on the front page of the Her- Back in Harare, it was heartwarming to see
ald, the newspaper many generations have our parliament tackling the most pertinent
relied on for accurate, balanced news. issues, led by the Speaker of Parliament, Ja-
“Our people come first,” screamed the cob Mudenda.
headline, quoting the country’s current In a time of rising prices, a war in Eu-
owner. The man was in Mozambique this rope that is making it worse, corruption, the
week, taking a deserved break from the tir- drought and Covid-19, the Speaker made a
ing exertions of cutting ribbons and collect- ruling on the most critical issue of the day:
ing rubbish on random Fridays. the colour of the clothes worn by those trea-
Across the nation, people asked each oth- sonous opposition MPs coming back into
er what this headline was all about. Which the House.
people were these that suddenly come first? Joseph Chinotimba, a Zanu PF MP known
Surely, President Emmerson Mnangagwa for his respect for his fashion taste, com-
could not have been talking about the or- plained that some MPs had come into
dinary people of Zimbabwe. Those have al- parliament in yellow. First, Mudenda said
ways been at the bottom of his list of pri- there would be no problem with yellow if
orities. there was no “CCC” on them. He then later
He has more important issues on top of his changed his mind, and then ruled that no-
list, such as the hard work of making his op- body should come into parliament dressed
ponents in yellow.
more At this
popular by Tidbits rate, the
colour yel-
The ultimate betrayal their rallies low will
banning
soon
be
and mak-
ing activ- banned.
We
will
of Gushungo prominent Twitter: @MuckrakerZim remove
ists more
from
it
by arrest-
flag,
our
ing them
for no reason. where it supposedly stands for the yel-
M y apologies for going petty arguments. ple”, the President was merely referring to since all the gold is disappearing to Dubai
low minerals. It would be fitting to drop it,
My Dear People
It was later clarified that by “our peo-
Zimbabweans do love distractions and
in handbags.
AWOL last week, I’m still
his sons and his cronies. Everyone else was
In the past few days the debate has
Traitorous drivel
been whether CCC is a new party or not.
urged to go about their daily business as
shocked by Robert Jun-
Many in the party will have been dis-
usual.
CCC say they are a new party formed
ior’s behaviour.
I really don’t under-
saying people who work for government
name, money and parliamentary seats to
It was a successful visit to Mozambique,
stand why Junior would want to be cozy before the by-elections. They lost their Let’s just donate him mayed to read an article in the Sunday Mail
with his father’s tormentors. The very Dougie. the President’s minions announced. must perform.
people that Baba rejected on his dying While this may seem unimportant, it “His Excellency, the President has been According to the paper, “over a third of our
bed. gives them bragging rights that a one- granted the Freedom of the City of Mapu- taxes go towards civil service staff costs”, a
I was tempted to think that he wants month old party achieved as much as to. The fraternal relationship between our reminder that we, taxpayers, are the bosses
to destroy the party from inside, but then they did in the by-elections. two nations cannot be overemphasized,” of everyone who works in the government.
that’s an awful strategy. On the other hand, Zanu PF argues that said Nick Mangwana, a likeable man who “So we all want to see these large num-
Jonso with all his political acumen and CCC is nothing but old wine in a new cask. just happens to have one bers of people earning
big education tried that, but where is he The faces are the same, the strategy the of the world’s most unfor- their money, and giv-
today? same, they argue. tunate jobs. “So we all want ing us value for what
So destroying from inside is naive and I won’t get involved in the argument, It means that our own- we pay them. There
I don’t think Junior has got what it takes. but just to say if the CCC isn’t new, what er has distinguished him- was a time when all a
That boy has Baba’s name, but he goes is new about the so-called new dispensa- self not only locally, but on to see these civil servant really had
on to betray Gushungo in such fashion. tion? the global stage. According to do was turn up for
I need to have a word with him or I am Launchmore has been part of the gov- to the Herald of absolute large numbers of work on time each
disinheriting him for betraying Baba. ernment for 42 years. facts, the award was befit- day and breathe.
To be clear, these people tormented Oppah, Kembo, Mudenda etc have all ting, as the President “has people earning Those days are long
Baba when he was alive and now they are been in the echelons of power for don- been leading the renewal gone,” the newspa-
tormenting him in death. key years and today you want to tell me of towns and cities in Zim- their money, and per’s editorial said.
That whole exhumation ruse is the con- there’s anything new about them. babwe”. All patriots around
tinuation of Baba’s tormentation. What a joke, kkk. We thank the people of giving us value the country must de-
Why Junior would want to even associ- I hope you now realise why this is a sil- Maputo for this accolade. mand the immedi-
ate with these people beats me. ly debate. Since they like our leader for what we pay ate arrest of whoever
And that profit that he spends his time My sincerest condolences to the family so much, we pray that they wrote this traitorous
with really gets on my nerves. of Elvis Nyathi. can go even further and them” drivel. Who exactly
I did well with Bona, but I feel with the Nyathi died in the most gruesome man- grant the man permanent are they targeting? It
boys I have been a terrible parent. ner possible, first being pelted with rocks residency and a quiet spot may look today like
Baba is surely turning in his grave. before being burned. on the beach in Vilanculos. they are talking about
Speaking of children, whatever hap- Nobody deserves to die in such a cru- We are willing to donate him. low-level civil serv-
pened to Bertha, Dougie’s daughter, el manner. History lecture ants, like the ever-angry bunch at Makombe
she’s gone silent. I’m beginning to worry One thing though that we have to dis- Still in Mozambique, we once again doff Building.
about her well-being. cuss is that if Zimbabwe had employment our hats to Rueben Barwe, a promising But we know where such mischief will
You see, Bertha was very vocal about opportunities, people like Elvis would not young journalist with the ZBC, one of the end. Soon, detractors will use these things
her father’s supposed political support. have found reason to go to South Africa. finest television stations in the Southern to ask if our owners are “giving us value for
In fact, she thought he was going to be Everyday we are bombarded with sta- Hemisphere. His coverage of the state visit what we pay them”. Those questions lead to
the next president. tistics of how well the economy is doing was, yet again, of the highest quality, which chaos.
But the March by-elections have put and how low our unemployment rate is. is delightful to see from such a greenhorn in New MPs for what?
Dougie in his place and effectively si- If these stats were any true, then there the media field. Muckraker is unhappy to hear all this talk in
lenced his loudmouth daughter. would be more jobs created and there Barwe made sure that we were all well in- the opposition Citizens Coalition for Change
Just like her father, her silence on Twit- would be no reason for people to go to formed about the success of the visit, but (CCC) calling for younger candidates to re-
ter has been deafening since that epic South Africa for jobs. delving into a customary lengthy lecture on place old timers in the next elections.
harvest of zeros. The death of Elvis is regrettable and how Mozambique and Zimbabwe enjoy re- Some people say opposition MPs who
To be fair, I’m not attacking Dougie’s would have been avoided if this country lations “that date back to the days of the lib- have been in parliament for too long must
family and I’m not being personal, but provided economic opportunities for its eration struggle”. now let go.
Bertha is fair game because of the way citizens. We were also told that “the President lived “It is time we change our MPs. Some of
she was toxic on social media where she That Elvis died in South Africa is a stain for several years in Mozambique”, a piece of them have stayed too long,” one supporter
hallucinated about her father’s supposed on the conscience of all Zimbabweans breaking news that we were all not aware of said. But were we not told this is a new par-
support. and is an illustration of this government’s before this week. ty? Even journalists are saying so, and we all
The by-elections were a rude awaken- endemic failures. He then also mentioned how his boss know journalists never lie to readers. How is
ing and I don’t think we will be hearing Don’t get me wrong, migration to South spent the rest of the day touring a gas plant a new party complaining about “our” MPs
from Madam Bertha for a while. Africa is as old as colonialism, but what’s in Maputo and the Beluluane Industrial Park. staying too long? People are being bought
Did she really think her father would worrying is the sheer volumes of people However, unpatriotic malcontents hop- by Zanu PF to demand change.
win elections or was she doing it for that are leaving Zimbabwe for neighbour- ing that this will inspire our leaders to build The likes of Willias Madzimure, Innocent
“likes” on social media, kkk? ing countries. similar infrastructure at home are advised Gonese, Murisi Zwizwai and others may
Maybe I’m being hard on her, let’s wait Instead of posturing and issuing point- to stop dreaming. Government officials have been in parliament for two decades
for 2023, maybe their fortunes will im- less statements, there is need for soul wish to remind the nation that our lead- now. But if an MP first came to parliament
prove. searching from the government. ers only go on such tours for entertainment under the MDC in 2000, should they stand
A key question though is what’s next As long as the economy isn’t conducive, and per diems. Anyway, what is so special again in 2023 under CCC, they must be ac-
for Dougie. The posturing is over and his more Zimbabweans will trek to South Af- about Maputo’s magnificent US$275 mil- cepted as a new candidate. It is a new party
support or lack thereof is now clear. rica and this will give rise to xenophobia. lion Catembe bridge, suspended 60 metres after all, is it not? Besides, why should peo-
In fact, he is now literally a footnote in Munopenga!! above the water, when we have the mighty ple expect African politicians to retire? What
Zimbabwe’s political history. Dr Amai Stop it! PhD (Fake) Karanda bridge? would they do with themselves?