Page 81 - Men’s Health - USA (December 2019)

GRIT
OF COURSE WE HAVE. Dozens and doz-
ens of books and not a few TED Talks have
been telling us for years that the strength
myth is a bunch of baloney. Brené Brown,
Ph.D., is a researcher at the University of
Houston who has spent decades studying
the pernicious effects of the old-school,
hard-nosed, take-it-like-a-marine men-
tality on men. Toward the end of her 2019
Netflix special, The Call to Courage, she
shares an anecdote about her work with
the U.S. Army Special Forces. She asked
them if they could give her an example
of courage they’d witnessed that did not
involve uncertainty, risk, and emotional
exposure. After a long pause, one soldier
answered: “Three tours, ma’am. There is
no courage without vulnerability.”
Perhaps the kind of strength with the
greatest cultural currency right now
is grit. Angela Duckworth, Ph.D., is a
professor of psychology at the University
of Pennsylvania; the founder and CEO of
the youth-oriented, fortitude-building
Character Lab; and author of the self-
help best seller Grit. What separates grit
from strength, Duckworth argues, is that
grit considers the future. “Grit is very
much about the long play, what are you
trying to do with your life, what is your
purpose,” she tells Men’s Health. “Some-
times you have to change tactics to stay
on target based on that understanding of
your broader or subordinate goal.”
For Kander, shifting from the present
to the future was critical. “I was always
in a survival mode, just like when I was
deployed, and I could get by on adrenaline
that helped me endure the pain,” Kander
says. “But if you don’t feel right, if you’re
just enduring pain, you need to ask for
help.” And all of us are hurting inside,
he adds. “Everybody has some sort of
struggle, and in positions of considerable
responsibility, I would certainly prefer
to have people who have addressed and
treated their invisible injuries....The
more we talk openly about mental-health
issues in our own personal orbits, the more
we will find that people will be supportive
and hold each other accountable.
“Remember, asking for help has
nothing to do with weakness,” Kander
stresses. “You don’t work out because
you’re weak. You work out to get stronger.
OR QUIT?
And if you want to be mentally stronger,
that takes effort, too.”
Luck, for his part, is dedicated to
strengthening his whole self as he pur- SOMETIMES QUITTING is
sues a new path. “Right now my journey bad. You walk away because
just doesn’t include football moving for- you don’t want to struggle, or
ward, and I feel so grateful,” he empha- you’re scared of failure. But
sized at his retirement press conference. sometimes quitting is good,
“I understand the suddenness and the when you recognize that
surprise behind it. I really do. But I also whatever you’re up to is doing
know I have so much clarity about my you real harm. Use this check-
next steps moving forward.” list to tell the difference.
Lately he’s been spotted hanging out
and cracking smiles with former team-
IS THIS A CHILDISH
mates. He and his wife, Nicole, are prepar-
REACTION? Are you blaming
ing for the birth of their first child. (He’s
others and becoming angry?
also a millionaire many times over, which
Mature behavior is setting
helps.) And as Hasselbeck observed,
boundaries, considering val-
Luck’s decision could make it easier for
ues, and shifting priorities.
future football players to leave on their
own terms. “When an athlete, war hero,
or famous male shares their internal pain IS YOUR PHYSICAL AND
or conflict, it serves as a signal to other MENTAL HEALTH AT RISK?
men that they might be able to be more Do you wake up sweating an
real with their own nonperfect lives,” says issue more than once a week?
Fredric Rabinowitz, Ph.D., a professor of Have you gained weight?
psychology at the University of Redlands.
“They serve as models for a more holistic
HAVE YOU HIT A WALL?
version of masculinity, where it’s possible
BURNED OUT? Take a break
to be both strong and expressive.”
for a week. Go back. Decide.
Kander now heads the Veterans
Community Project, which helps provide
housing and other assistance for home- HAVE YOU MADE YOUR-
less veterans. “Once I got past the emo- SELF ACCOUNTABLE? Pick
tional numbness, I could also address all someone you trust. Share
these physical aches and pains I had,” your dilemma. Ask if
he says, “problems that I thought were you’ve tried everything. If
chronic but which have actually faded they think not, grit it out.
away as I’ve been able to exercise daily
again and get in what might be the best
IMAGINE EXPLAINING
physical shape of my life, my time in the
YOUR DECISION TO YOUR
military included.”
KIDS. Are your values
Two tough guys, two surprise
aligned with this action?
announcements, one takeaway: Strength
is about more than putting in the work
and not complaining. It’s about more ARE YOUR ACTIONS
than suiting up and getting the job done FOCUSED ON LONG-TERM
without ever calling in sick. It’s about GOALS? Will they propel you
being honest and open, with family and to where you see yourself in
friends, regarding your physical and 5, 10, and 20 years? No? Quit.
emotional health. It’s about taking care
Sources: Judy Chu, Ed.D., human-biology
of yourself so you can take care of others. lecturer at Stanford University; Drew
That’s what these guys have taught us Ramsey, M.D., assistant clinical professor
of psychiatry at Columbia University; Lisa
about strength. And unlike the myth that Stephen, Ph.D., peak-performance coach.
came before it, this time it’s real.
MEN’S HEALTH / December 2019 83