Page 62 - English for Writing Research Papers

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become part of our daily lives, for example smart phones and smart watches, home appli-
ances, tablets and ultra-thin notebooks. We are surrounded by all these devices: at home,
work and also in public spaces.

Note how S3 attracts much more attention by

• including a date and a name at the beginning of the sentence. Numbers and

names (with their initial capital letters) stand out in a text
• removing all the generic phrases that add no real value: notable examples

include … equipped with a plethora of sensors … general purpose devices
such as … in a pervasive way

• concluding with a sentence that recalls the introductory sentence, thus giving

the paragraph a sense of cohesiveness
Clearly, I have been quite extreme in the number of generic phrases I have removed,
but this is to show you how often we tend to write too many phrases that give no
new information and simply fill the text unnecessarily and thus make the reader

waste time.

3.8 Try to be as concrete as possible as soon as possible

Compare these two texts:

S1. Smart devices may have to manage sensitive information that, often, must be protected
against unauthorized diffusion or from malicious attacks. Some notable examples of sensi-
tive information are data concerning the health conditions of a patient or data gathered
from caregivers about the status of an elderly person.
S2. Smart devices may have to manage sensitive information, for example the health condi-
tions of a patient or data gathered from caregivers on the status of an elderly person.
Clearly, such data must be protected against unauthorized diffusion or from malicious
attacks.

In S1, readers have to wait to understand exactly what sensitive information is and
why it has to be protected.

S2 tells readers immediately what sensitive information is, and therefore enables
readers to understand why it should be protected. S2 also uses fewer words.
I am not suggesting that you should always use S2 rather than S1. Just be aware that
the same information can be presented in a different order. Your aim is to choose the
most effective order.