Page 65 - English for Writing Research Papers

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3.11 Present and explain ideas in the same (logical) sequence
Readability can be increased massively if you take some time to think about the best
way to present information. The OV below is in perfect English, and it may seem fi ne
until you see how the RV makes the information much easier to assimilate.

original version (ov) revised version (rv)
Memory can be subdivided into various Memory is the capacity to store and recall
types: long-term memory, which involves new information. It can be subdivided into
retaining information for over a minute, and two main types: short-term and long-term.
short-term memory, in which information is Short-term memory involves remembering
remembered for a minute or less, for information for a minute or less, for
example, the memory required to perform a example, the memory required to perform a
simple calculation such as 5 × 7 × 3. Another simple calculation such as 5 × 7 × 3.
type of short-term memory is also recognized: Another type of short-term memory is
sensory memory, for example we see a video sensory memory, for example, we see a
as a continuous scene rather than a series of video as a continuous scene rather than a
still images. Research shows sex differences series of still images. Long-term memory
in episodic (i.e. long term) memory: women can be further subdivided into recent
tend to remember better verbal situations, memory, which involves new learning, and
whereas men have a better recollection of remote memory, which involves old
events relating to visuals and space. Long- information. Interestingly, research shows
term memory can be further subdivided into sex differences in remote memory: women
recent memory, which involves new learning, tend to remember better verbal situations,
and remote memory, which involves old whereas men have a better recollection of
information. events relating to visuals and space.

In the OV, the beginning of the first sentence gives the illusion to the reader that the

various types of memory will be introduced in a logical order. In reality a rather
random selection of information is given, with no clear sequence. This makes it hard
for the reader to follow. The RV uses shorter sentences and follows a much more
logical series of steps:

• definition of memory given
• clear indication of the number of types of memories (OV various types, RV

two main types)

• short-term memory mentioned first, as later in the paragraph long-term mem-

ory will be developed in more detail
• additional information about short-term memory (the discussion of short-term
memory ends here)