Page 159 - SHERLOCK transcripts

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JOHN (offscreen): You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
SHERLOCK (still yawning as he picks up a mug of tea from the side table): It’s okay, I’m fine.
(He walks over to an open laptop on the work surface, picks it up and looks into the screen as
he carries the laptop into the living room.)
SHERLOCK: Now, show me to the stream.
JOHN (offscreen): I didn’t really mean for you.
SHERLOCK: Look, this is a six.
(He sits down at the table in the living room and puts the laptop onto the table. Just then the
doorbell rings but he ignores it.)
SHERLOCK (adjusting the screen so that his face can be seen by the laptop’s camera): There’s
no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven. We agreed. Now, go back. Show
me the grass.
(John is at the crime scene and has walked down to the stream while Skypeing with Sherlock.
He points the camera on his own laptop towards the grass at the stream’s edge and squats
down.)
JOHN: When did we agree that?
SHERLOCK: We agreed it yesterday. Stop!
(He leans closer to the screen and looks at the mud on the ground.)
SHERLOCK: Closer.
(Instead of following his instructions, John swings the laptop around so that he can look into the
camera.)
JOHN: I wasn’t even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
SHERLOCK: Well, it’s hardly my fault you weren’t listening.
(The doorbell rings more insistently. Sherlock briefly looks round in the direction of the stairs.)
SHERLOCK (angrily): SHUT UP!
JOHN: D’you just carry on talking when I’m away?
SHERLOCK (shrugging as he turns back to the camera): I don’t know. How often are you away?
Now, show me the car that backfired.
(Sighing, John stands up and turns the laptop and its camera towards the road to show Phil’s
car.)
JOHN: It’s there.
SHERLOCK: That’s the one that made the noise, yes?
JOHN (swinging the camera back around to look into it): Yeah. And if you’re thinking gunshot,
there wasn’t one. He wasn’t shot; he was killed by a single blow to the back of the head from a
blunt instrument which then magically disappeared along with the killer. That’s gotta be an
eight at least.
(Sherlock has leaned back in his chair and is running his finger back and forth over his top lip
while he thinks. Your humble transcriber melts into a puddle of goo. As John walks back
towards the road, Carter follows along behind him.)
CARTER: You’ve got two more minutes, then I want to know more about the driver.
SHERLOCK (waving his hand dismissively): Oh, forget him. He’s an idiot. Why else would he
think himself a suspect?
(Carter catches up to John and leans over to look into the camera.)
CARTER: I think he’s a suspect!
(Sherlock leans forward angrily.)
SHERLOCK: Pass me over.
JOHN: All right, but there’s a Mute button and I will use it.
(He tilts the laptop at an angle that Sherlock’s not happy with.)
SHERLOCK (irritated): Up a bit! I’m not talking from down ’ere!
(John has had enough and offers the laptop to Carter.)
JOHN: Okay, just take it, take it.
(Carter takes the laptop as Sherlock starts talking at double the usual speed.)
SHERLOCK (quick fire): Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a
crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair
play?(!)
CARTER: He’s trying to be clever. It’s over-confidence.
SHERLOCK (sighing in exasperation): Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised
halitosis of a single man living on his own, the right sleeve of an internet porn addict and the
breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition. Low self-esteem, tiny IQ and a limited life
expectancy – and you think he’s an audacious criminal mastermind?!

Transcripts by Ariane DeVere (arianedevere@livejournal.com)