Page 337 - SHERLOCK transcripts

336

JOHN: Yeah, ’course you are. ’Course you’re my best friend.
(He smiles. Without looking down, Sherlock absently picks up the mug from the table and raises
it towards his mouth. John watches with interest while he takes a long slurping drink and then
swallows.)
JOHN: Well, how was that?
(Sherlock licks his lips, thinks about it for a moment, then nods.)
SHERLOCK: Surprisingly okay.
(Inside the mug, the eyeball pops up to the surface of the tea.)
JOHN: So you’ll have to make a speech, of course.
(Sherlock offlines again for a moment, then looks at John.)

RECEPTION. Sherlock reaches into his jacket pocket, clearing his throat, and takes out a handful
of cue cards, looking at each one and putting it onto the table as he talks to himself.
SHERLOCK: Done that. ... Done that ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Done that bit ... Hmm
...
(He looks up at the guests again, then turns to John.)
SHERLOCK: I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you.
(Mary looks surprised and John looks up at him.)
SHERLOCK (looking at the guests): All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the
pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short
of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and
morally compromised world.
(The guests begin to look uncomfortable and some of them start murmuring quietly to each
other. Greg and Molly look at Sherlock in horror.)
SHERLOCK: Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in
time – one feels certain – our entire species.
(The guests stare at him. Sherlock pauses for a moment.)
SHERLOCK: But anyway ... (he looks down at his cards) ... let’s talk about John.
JOHN (quietly): Please.
SHERLOCK (looking up again): If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures,
it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has
overlooked in his obsession with me.
(Greg laughs silently.)
SHERLOCK: Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth,
from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
(John sighs heavily, while Mary frowns.)
SHERLOCK: It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for
their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel.
(Janine stares up at him and the other two bridesmaids look uncomfortable.)
SHERLOCK (moving on to his next card): ... and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to
enhance the beauty of his creation ...
(The vicar smiles.)
SHERLOCK: ... or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career
opportunity for the family idiot.
(Mary face-palms and John is half-hiding behind his clasped hands. The vicar looks at Sherlock
grimly, and more guests are muttering amongst themselves. Sherlock pauses for a moment.)
SHERLOCK: The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and
all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet.
(He looks at the vicar.)
SHERLOCK: I am dismissive of the virtuous ...
(He turns to Janine.)
SHERLOCK: ... unaware of the beautiful ...
(He turns towards Mary and John.)
SHERLOCK: ... and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was
being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend.
(The guests have fallen silent again and are listening intently. Molly and Greg exchange a long
glance.)
SHERLOCK: Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I
have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
(Mary smiles proudly at her husband. Several of the guests make appreciative “aww” sounds.)
SHERLOCK: John, I am a ridiculous man ...

Transcripts by Ariane DeVere (arianedevere@livejournal.com)