Page 73 - Berg_Mortuary_Bishops_Guide

BERG MORTUARY 73
sured.

Let me share with you some of the understanding I have gained about bereavement—under-
standing that could have made me of infinitely more assistance to Peggy, understanding that we
all need in order to provide effective, compassionate service.

It is important to remember that we feel a loss at every death. We long for the touch, the
sight, the presence of the one we lost, and even a secure knowledge of the plan of salvation
doesn’t take away the longing.

Although each loss is different, there are consistent stages of bereavement that each widow or
widower seems to feel. The family member, priesthood leader, or visiting teacher can be a genu-
ine source of help by providing the sensitive support necessary during each stage.
The first stage of grief is merciful: a numbness that comes with shock. “The numbness was a
blessing,” said Peggy in retrospect. “Everything inside you stops. Even after the funeral I tried to
fill my life with as many activities as I could because it was a security blanket. Yet, subconsciously,
I felt the loss, and my grandmother says I cried in my sleep every night during this time.”

The bereaved individual goes through the daily routine like a robot. A widow takes the chil-
dren to the park, cleans house, and irons clothes; a widower works, eats, and sleeps. Both are in
a daze.

It may take a few days or several months, but eventually the numbness wears off and sorrow
sets in. Peggy expressed it this way: “I was overwhelmed by a sorrow that filled my whole be-
ing. The realization that Dave was gone and I was alone, really alone, deeply hurt me. With the
sorrow came a flood of anxieties-the responsibility of raising an unborn child by myself, my
financial situation. I felt intense sorrow and loneliness.”
It is natural to feel anger accompanying the grief. Often a widow will feel that she has been
cheated because her husband’s Influence is no longer felt in her and her family’s lives. As Peggy

said, bitterly, “it’s not fair, when I’ll have a child to raise.” Occasionally, anger is even expressed
against the person who is being mourned, that he “left me in this situation,” as If he had a choice.
It is also natural to sometimes feel angry with God: “l really wanted to die. I wanted to go
with him. I was very bitter against the Lord, even though my testimony was strong. He had
taken Dave and then refused to let me go with him. I felt a very deep bitterness against the

Lord.”
Anger is very difficult for most comforters to deal with, but in most cases it is best to neither
encourage nor discourage it. Those who mourn honestly feel angry and bitter, and to respond,
“You don’t know what you’re saying” or “You don’t really mean that” is pointless and unhelp-
ful. It seems best not to agree with their anger or aggressively oppose it either, for it is a natural