Page 74 - Berg_Mortuary_Bishops_Guide

74 BISHOP’S GUIDE

stage of bereavement.

One of the most difficult adjustments the widow or widower has to make is the change in
people’s attitudes.
They discover that our society and the Church are, to a large extent, couple and family ori-
ented. Peggy yearned for comfort and companionship and turned to the world of families
where she used to belong so naturally, only to find that she was excluded from most of the inti-
macies of her old friendships. She was encouraged to seek special friends in what is now called

the Special interest group, where she had had no previous experience and had no intimate rela-
tionships. These adjustments can be difficult indeed. The word widow itself, which originated
in the Sanskrit and means “separate” or “empty,” can become harsh and painful.
In the next stage, the widow or widower wants to begin to live a normal life and not be
consumed with the past. Peggy said, “It was a hard decision to make. I wanted to fulfill my

existence, my patriarchal blessing. I always knew l would have to face reality, and finally I did.
There is a loneliness that never goes away, but you have to live.”
During each of the foregoing stages, but more particularly during the stages of grief and an-
ger, Peggy needed to know that people sincerely cared: “I appreciated anything that anyone did.
After the numbness wore off there was nothing. No one invited me anywhere. I really felt like I
was not being invited because they felt uncomfortable. But that is when I needed it most. Not
words, but activity, love, and involvement.”

This is the time to invite the widow or widower over for dinner, to join with your family in
the park for a home evening activity, or to go to a play or movie. If a baby-sitter is needed, you
make the arrangements. Don’t talk about death unless the bereaved brings if up. Be normal, act
natural.

And finally comes acceptance and peace of mind. The bereaved person, realizing his or her
strength, becomes independent. There is more understanding and stability, and the poignant
memories find their place and perspective. As new problems approach, successful resolutions
become easier; life becomes happier,
richer, and more enjoyable . But though the widow or widower has accepted reality, the true

nature of his or her love for the departed partner has not diminished.
Recently Peggy told me, “l felt his presence for several months after he died, as if he had not
gone spiritually.

Then, when l began to face reality, I accepted the fact that he needed to be working at what-
ever he was called to do, and he left.”
An equally painful situation for most of us is when a friend or family member is terminally
ill.